The ring of fire

Very seldom do I get pushed down to a point of such anger as I'm at now. I can  tolerate a lot, but this evening I saw something I won't, can't tolerate! I saw my own mother tell my son things she had  no right telling him. Talk about me to our family anyone but never ever to my son! Joey is older Chance is a confused impressionable young boy. She's my mother I know her I'm not surprised. She seems to have always had this strange dislike for me. Oh the stories I could tell you. The things she's done to me. But tonight I saw I heard with my own eyes and ears and yet she dared deny it! Should I feel guilty? NO! Biologically she's my birth mother. Please, Biologically I'm not my by brothers and sisters mother nor Chances yet ask who's been more of a mom? I'm angry any one assumes they have an automatic right biological right to a child. But this evening I'm angry over the jealousy  of one who failed in raising their own children but who have made it their one goal in life to want to destroy what I've tried so hard at and what they've failed at.
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I can't even manage to come up with a title. I had a purpose a reason for writing this "diary" of my thoughts, but my thoughts have seemed to have escaped me. Gone off in there on direction. A million thoughts all leading me to nowhere. I need to find a focal point a place to start, to begin, but where? inrt
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Another Day Survived

It’s 4:56am and I’ve been awake for awhile now. I’m actually surprised I got any sleep last night after the day I had but maybe me having only a few hours sleep the night before had something to do with that? My dear mother struck again. Let me say this I spend just about most of my day in my room avoiding any conflict with her so how she manages to find all these “exciting” things to talk about me with Danny is totally beyond me. What she’s yet to realize is whatever she says will eventually get back to me. But then maybe she knows and is counting on this? There is and can be a logic to this IF what was said was the truth.

Granted there was a time iltwould have gotten away with spreading false rumors. My step mother was very good at this when my dad was alive, she tried it then between my dad and my first son. Dear mother knows of those times but this past year hasn’t taught her nothing it seems.

Will today finally bring out the white flag to this ongoing battle? Or will she continue to push me? Twice now I’ve confronted them all with the lies and while it’s exhausted me I’ve not let them see and I’ve came out on top. I’ve put to rest the lies, but the battle has not been won yet! I know with her it will never be won. She seems to thrive on conflict.

Guilt? Yes I have guilt. I fell guilty for the times I’ve allowed her to weaken me to the point where I’ve gotten so angry I’ve lowered myself to her level. I reminded her how she had 7 kids of her own and only one can tolerate her! How after everything she’s done to me and continues to do I keep tolerating her and helping her when no one else will, and for asking her how dare she think she could try and take my kids when she couldn’t raise her kids. I’m angry because she makes me feel guilty!

I’ve said this a few times, the first a few years ago. In time my reasoning may become clear but for now I’m sure I’ll come off as paranoid, even to the point of someone thinking I may need all that horrible medication I was once on for being “Bipolar”. If my diaries from those years were to be found my reasoning would be more clear, for now this thought has once again resurfaced in the back of my mind. I see again the pattern beginning with her, GGG as my friend David has nick named her. The rumors, how I neglect Chance. I’m an unfit mother, making me so angry all the time to the point where I’m always sick? She love to have me back on that medication, back in the hospital all the time. She’d get Chance but more important she’d get our money. The one thing she’s always wanted.

I’m going close with these 2 examples of how to raise Chance, mine and GGG’s:

Mine:

he does have to do chores regardless. his room will be kept clean. there’s a schedule for homework,  shower, we work this out together and you’ll keep to it. if school works fails or your chores are not done you will lose a privilege. you will not disrespect me ever! you will eat meals that consist of more then junk food and sodas you’ll dress yourself and be responsible for your things. buy fruit, yogurt, juice, normal food, water

GGG:

buys all the junk he can eat, chips candy ice cream, anything loaded with sugar(knowing diabetes runs in our family). allows him to play games on school morning so he’s late, dresses him, buys him anything he wants to win him over ( a trick she’s used with all the kids) constantly allows him to slide on his schedule knowing a child with adhd needs this.

short point made

 

Really?

Day? What day is this? Oh yeah Monday right? To be precise it’s Monday, crap let me check my calendar, oh yes it’s Sept. 26, 2016. I know why I wanted to start this “blog” or “personal diary” problem now as always is getting those words and thoughts out of my head and onto here! And believe me all these thoughts need to be released. My one thought right this moment? Lol remember those punching clowns we had as a kid? If I had one right now if front of me? LOL To the moon!! I’m angry, frustrated and down right just plain pissed off!!! 

Word that comes to mind? Selfish! People can be so selfish. Ok Hold up D we need to take a deep breath. My main problem? I let people get to me. I expect others to give no more no less then I’m willing to give. Actually I don’t even expect that much.

Right now I’m so angry I can’t even think straight much less write a sentence that will make sense.